As the White House Turns
by Nomad1
Summary: Beware. Generally warped parody fic ahead. You can blame the posters at Television Without Pity for this one.
1. As the White House Turns

As the White House Turns 

By Nomad   
Feb 2002

Spoilers: 
Yes. All the way to season 3. 

Disclaimer: 
I don't own 'em. You're about to find out why. 

Author's Note: 
This really isn't my usual style (duh). In my defence, the posters at Television Without Pity made me do it. Honest, they did.   
And yes. It was me that did the graphs. 

Final warning: 
Run. Run, now. Trust me. 

* * *

OVAL OFFICE, DAY. 

POTUS is at his desk, LEO is standing in front of him. 

POTUS   
Right, what's next? 

LEO   
Sir? 

POTUS   
I said, "what's next"? 

LEO   
What do you mean, "what's next"? We've only just started. 

POTUS   
This is a dramatic way to make us look like we're busy people, Leo, get with the program. 

LEO   
Sorry. 

POTUS [glares]   
So; what's next? 

LEO   
Well, um, we have some numbers here which say you swear too much, Mr. President. 

POTUS   
What? What kind of crap is that? 

LEO   
It's true, Mr. President. Some student did a study. She made graphs and everything. 

POTUS   
Dammit, Leo, you're telling me some college student has nothing better to do with her time than collect figures on how frequently I swear? 

LEO   
University student, sir. 

POTUS   
Same thing. 

LEO   
No, 'cause this student's English and she gets really pissed off with the way Americans call college and university the same thing. 

POTUS   
She's English? Then why on earth does she give a flying f- 

The door slams open and JOSH rushes in. 

JOSH [breathless]   
Mr. President! 

POTUS   
Josh! What's wrong? 

JOSH   
Nothing. It's just a dramatic convention that somebody cuts you off before you can say f- 

The door slams open and HOYNES rushes in. 

JOSH   
Mr. Vice President! 

Brief pause. 

HOYNES [to Leo and POTUS]   
Aren't you two gonna say something? 

LEO   
I'm trying to remember whether I call you John in company or 'Mr. Vice President'. 

POTUS   
Yeah, me too. 

Pause. 

POTUS   
So, are you here for a reason, or are you just-? 

HOYNES   
No, I'm doing the same thing Josh was. 

POTUS   
Oh, right. 

Longish pause. 

HOYNES   
We could argue, if you like. 

POTUS   
No, I'm cool. 

They stand around awkwardly. 

* * *

COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN, DAY. 

TOBY, SAM, DONNA and CJ are clustered together. 

DONNA [earnestly]   
This has gone on long enough. We have to do something! 

SAM [puzzled]   
Do something about what? 

TOBY rolls his eyes. 

TOBY   
Oh, for God's sake, it's a perfectly acceptable literary device. 

SAM   
Yeah, but how are people supposed to know what's going on? 

TOBY   
We're giving them a little credit and assuming they can pick it up as they go along. Unlike you. 

SAM   
Okay, that's it. I'm not letting you be Batman anymore. 

CJ [irked]   
You two, stop flirting! 

SAM [defensively]   
We're not flirting. We never flirt. 

DONNA [helpfully]   
You called him "baby". 

SAM   
I didn't mean anything by it! You called Josh "baby" once! 

They all look at him pointedly. He shrinks down into his shirt collar. 

SAM [plaintively]   
I don't flirt with Toby. 

CJ   
You flirt with everybody. 

SAM   
That's not flirting. That's just my movie idol looks and strong sexual chemistry. 

CJ [snorting]   
Sexual chemistry? You don't have chemistry, you just have a love interest of the week. Josh and Donna have chemistry. Me and Toby have chemistry. 

SAM [injured]   
I do too have chemistry! I have chemistry with Ainsley! 

CJ   
And Josh. We know all about you and Josh. 

SAM   
It's not my fault! Everybody has chemistry with Josh! 

DONNA   
Except his girlfriends. 

CJ   
This has gone on long enough. We have to do something. 

DONNA [turning towards her]   
Didn't I already say that? 

CJ   
I know, I just get this urge to repeat bits of dialogue for no particular reason. 

DONNA   
Somebody should say something to Josh. I vote CJ does it. 

CJ   
Why me? 

DONNA   
Because you kick ass. 

CJ [nodding]   
That's right. I do. Yeah, let's go kick some ass! 

TOBY is beginning to shuffle away from the rest of them. 

SAM [to TOBY]   
Where are you going? 

TOBY [mumbles]   
I have to get out of here. I'm suffering an acute case of CJ-worship, and I have to run before I'm forced to admit to having human feelings. 

He sidles rapidly away. 

CJ [yelling]   
Come back! I'm tall and elegant and cool, and I have a great laugh! And I'm really good in bed! 

People appear in various doorways and stare at her. SAM turns to face her. 

SAM   
Why did you just yell that? 

CJ   
I used to think it was some kind of grand conspiracy to weaken my position by making me a sex object, but now I think I'm just doing it to piss people off. 

SAM   
Did you ever think maybe you're over-analysing? 

CJ   
Yeah, but that's what Aaron Sorkin says, and what the hell does he know? 

* * *

OVAL OFFICE, DAY. 

POTUS is still at his desk, and LEO stands beside him. JOSH and HOYNES have gone, but this is the West Wing so we don't have to have an explanation where or why. 

Through the doorway we see CHARLIE get up from his desk and leave. POTUS immediately stands up and starts to tiptoe after him. 

LEO   
Mr. President...? 

POTUS   
Shh. I want to see where he goes. 

They follow CHARLIE through the corridors of the White House and go down to the basement, where he disappears into a door marked 'Plot Exile'. 

LEO [looking over his shoulder]   
Shouldn't your Secret Service Agents have followed us? 

POTUS   
It's dramatic licence. [He regards the door curiously] I wonder what's through there? 

LEO   
I wouldn't, Mr. President. 

POTUS [frowning]   
Why not? 

LEO   
Don't you ever watch horror movies? 

POTUS   
Oh, like you even own a TV. 

He yanks the door open. CHARLIE stumbles out, looking startled. 

CHARLIE   
Mr. President! You can't come in here, you're the main character! 

POTUS   
We don't have a main character, this is an ensemble piece. 

LEO   
Yeah, but some of us are more ensemble than others. 

POTUS [turning to LEO]   
You realise that made absolutely no sense? 

LEO   
It doesn't have to make sense if it sounds good. Just ask Toby about 'could care less'. 

POTUS   
Yeah. I've been wondering, considering I'm a trivia-minded grammar geek, why I haven't corrected him about that. 

LEO   
Probably because you're too busy swearing. 

POTUS   
Dammit, I don't swear! 

CHARLIE clears his throat. The President turns back to him. 

POTUS   
Charlie, who else is in there with you? 

ZOEY emerges. POTUS looks shocked, whilst LEO sniggers. 

POTUS [warningly]   
Zoey... 

ZOEY   
It's okay, dad. 

She holds open the door and ABBEY and ELLIE troop out, followed by a woman in her thirties and a teenage girl. 

POTUS [to the woman and girl]   
Who the hell are you? 

WOMAN   
I'm your other daughter, Liz. 

GIRL   
And I'm your granddaughter, Annie! 

POTUS   
Oh. I was wondering what you two looked like. Anybody else in there with you? 

DANNY comes out. 

POTUS   
Danny! What are you doing in here? 

DANNY   
I was getting in the way of CJ and Toby's developing romance. 

POTUS   
It hasn't developed very much. 

DANNY   
I know. At least I got to kiss her. 

POTUS squints through the door. 

POTUS   
Who's that in there, right at the back? 

A short figure emerges. It is... dramatic chord... MANDY. 

POTUS   
Mandy! I thought you'd disappeared from my adminstration with absolutely no explanation? 

MANDY   
I did. But now I want Josh to take me back. 

The entire crowd shudders in terror. 

* * *

JOSH'S OFFICE, DAY. 

JOSH is on the phone. SAM appears in the doorway. 

SAM   
Josh... 

JOSH   
Shh! [into phone] Amy- Yeah, but, Amy- I know, I just, Amy- [he looks at the silent phone, and then hangs it up] 

SAM   
So what were you guys talking about? 

JOSH   
I don't know. She kept saying "don't talk to me". 

SAM   
So have you tried, I don't know, not talking to her? 

JOSH   
Yes, but that wouldn't fit in with my aura of complete romantic cluelessness. 

SAM [whining]   
You never come to me about your romantic cluelessness anymore. 

JOSH [shrugging]   
I thought it would be a bit uncomfortable, what with all the unresolved sexual tension and all. 

SAM   
Unresolved? What about the time we- 

JOSH   
Sam! You know the rules! You can get as slashy as you like in the subtext, but you're not allowed to actually _say_ anything. 

SAM   
This is like the swearing thing, right? 

JOSH   
Yeah. 

SAM   
How is it less rude to communicate the swear word by implication than actually say it out loud? 

JOSH   
You got me. Hey, did you know that the President swears more than any two of the senior staff put together? 

SAM   
Really? 

JOSH   
Yeah. Some student with no life did graphs. 

SAM   
Wow, that's geekier than me. 

They leave Josh's office and go out into the bullpen, where they stop dead, hypnotised by the sight of an incredibly perfect beautiful woman. With really good hair. This is MARY SUE. 

MARY SUE [perkily]   
Hi! I'm Mary Sue Perfect, and I'm here to be the new- 

She slumps suddenly to the floor. DONNA appears behind her, brandishing a heavy file triumphantly. 

JOSH [shocked]   
Donna! 

DONNA [shrugging]   
Trust me, it's better this way. [yells] Margaret! 

MARGARET comes running, and skids to a halt as she sees the incredibly perfect beautiful woman slumped elegantly on the floor. With her really good hair. 

MARGARET [rolling eyes]   
Oh God, another one? 

DONNA   
Yeah. We should get the Secret Service to do something. They're everywhere these days. 

MARGARET   
The Service are no good. Half the time they give them jobs. 

DONNA [snorting]   
Yeah. Like you could really throw yourself in front of a bullet _and_ take that kind of care of your hair. 

They pick up the incredibly perfect beautiful body - with really good hair - and drag it away. 

* * *

WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT, DAY. 

The crowd has dispersed, again with no explanation, except for MANDY ('cause nobody wanted to get left behind with her). 

CJ, DONNA and SAM suddenly arrive. They stop short, shocked by the sight of her. 

CJ   
Mandy! You're not... you're not _back_, are you? 

The others look scared. 

MANDY   
I've decided I want Josh back! Never mind the obstacle of our complete lack of chemistry and the fact that we hate each other! And what are you three doing in the basement? 

SAM   
It was a plot necessity. 

DONNA   
It goes easier if you don't sweat the small stuff. 

Suddenly AMY appears. CJ nods her head towards her. 

CJ   
See, look, here comes another one. 

SAM   
It's not very convincingly plotted, this, is it? 

DONNA   
It's a clever parody of Aaron Sorkin's tendency to leave plot points hanging and under-explain things. 

SAM   
That or it's just not very well thought out. 

AMY   
Where's Josh? 

CJ   
How did you know to come down here? 

AMY   
I have this psychic sense that tells me where the action is. It's how I manage to steal everybody's screen-time. 

SAM   
Well, that explains a lot. 

AMY [to SAM]   
Hey, it's not like you were doing anything useful with it. Go abolish the penny, crackplot boy. I have to go make out with Josh. 

DONNA points towards the 'Plot Exile' door. 

DONNA [innocently]   
Hey, Amy, Josh is through there. 

AMY [laughing]   
Ha! As if I believe Josh would ever be in there? Don't you know he's Aaron Sorkin's alter ego? 

DONNA   
Is that why we all fancy him? 

SAM   
Well, that's a weight off my mind. I thought it was just me. 

CJ   
Oh, can it, Sam. Everybody in the entire world who's written about you thinks you're bisexual anyway. 

SAM   
I know! Is it something about me? 

AMY, CJ, DONNA & MANDY   
_Yes!_

SAM   
That's it! That's it, I've had enough! You always mock me, and, and, I'm the one who always trips over things, and I'm never allowed to have a proper long-term love interest, and people always write Evil Sam Fics and, and, and- [he points accusing at AMY] and _you_ stole my screen time! 

DONNA [points at AMY]   
You stole my complicated unrequited-only-not-really boyfriend! 

MANDY [points at AMY]   
You stole my personality! 

MANDY launches herself at AMY, and they roll around the floor, fighting. They roll through the door marked 'Plot Exile', and DONNA quickly slams it shut. 

DONNA [triumphantly]   
Great! [to the others] I'll stay here and guard the door, you guys go find a padlock. 

CJ   
Two padlocks. 

SAM   
And some concrete. 

* * *

JOSH'S OFFICE, DAY. 

JOSH has just heard the explanation from CJ, DONNA and SAM ('cause I'm too lazy to write it). TOBY's there too. Because he has some lines later. Josh looks completely stunned. In a cute way. 

JOSH   
So Amy, she's really... she's really gone? 

DONNA   
Rolled through the door of 'exit with no explanation', baby. 

She does a little victory dance that looks way cooler than Josh's lame attempts. 

Josh pulls a puppy dog face. And looks cute. 

JOSH   
Well, um... which one of you is gonna be the hurt/comfort one, then? It's in the rules. I lost a girlfriend, you gotta come comfort me. Who's gonna comfort me? 

DONNA [sadly]   
None of us, Josh. 

JOSH suddenly looks small and sad. And cute. Did we mention cute? 

JOSH   
So you're... you're all leaving me? 

They all nod slowly, looking sad. Because he's so cute when he's miserable. JOSH turns desperately to DONNA. 

JOSH   
Donna...? 

DONNA   
I'm sorry, Josh, I've, I've found somebody else. 

She looks distressed. Because he's so cute when he's miserable. 

JOSH   
And you, Sam? 

SAM nods. 

CJ   
And me. 

TOBY   
And me. I'm sorry, Josh, I can't- I can't take the pain anymore. 

They all look surprised. 

CJ   
Really? 

TOBY   
Under my prickly exterior, I'm a sensitive guy. 

CJ   
No you're not. 

TOBY   
I know. What's _with_ people, insisting I'm a teddybear underneath? I'm really not. 

Everybody looks back to JOSH. Because it's all about Josh. And he's cute. 

JOSH   
But... who? 

DONNA   
We've found a guy who knows how to appreciate people. 

SAM   
A guy who's cranky on the surface, but has a heart of gold underneath. 

CJ   
Plus, I've always had a thing for older guys. 

DONNA   
Hell yeah. 

SAM   
And me. 

Suddenly the door opens and LEO comes in. 

LEO   
Hey, why the hell isn't everybody at work? 

JOSH extends a hand to point at him, looking shell-shocked. 

JOSH   
_You!_

FADE OUT.   
ROLL END CREDITS. 

* * *

What can I say? You were warned.


	2. As the White House Returns

As the White House Returns 

By Nomad   
June 2002

I never planned to continue this, it just... happened.

* * *

CJ'S OFFICE, DAY. 

We open on a scene completely unrelated to the cliffhanger we ended on. 'Cause this is the West Wing, and we like you to imagine your own reaction shots. Maybe we'll give you it in a flashback later, if we feel like it. 

CJ sits in the dark, staring moodily at her goldfish. JOSH appears in the doorway. 

JOSH   
Why is it so dark in here? It's like an episode of the X-Files. 

CJ   
It's a signifier of angst. 

JOSH   
But it's always like this. 

CJ   
Well, sometimes it's a signifier that we blew the lighting budget on special guest stars. 

JOSH   
Okay. So is this quiet, broody angst or imminent nervous breakdown angst? 

CJ   
The broody kind. You know I'm not scheduled for a breakdown until Christmas. 

JOSH   
Okay. We should probably get on with the foreshadowing, then. 

CJ   
Yeah. So my overemotional rant _du jour_ is, why do I never get a decent relationship? Or laid, even. Even Sam got laid! What do I get? [glares at Gail] A goldfish. 

JOSH   
Pretend like I made one of those snarky witty comments like I do and now I'm making my sweet and supportive expression. 

CJ   
Okay. Rant part two; and it's not just me! Nobody around here ever gets to keep a love interest! 

JOSH   
Hey, that's not true. I have love interests. 

CJ   
We hesitate to use the word 'interest' in connection with any of your relationships, Josh. 

JOSH   
Hey, at least mine don't just vanish off the face of the- [thinks] Wait a minute. 

DONNA appears in the doorway. 

CJ   
Hey, Donna. What are you doing here? 

DONNA   
Well, the plot was getting bogged down and we needed a convenient seague. 

JOSH   
Okay, I'm on my way. 

DONNA   
Hurry up. You know nothing important can happen without you being there. 

They start walking together. 

JOSH   
Okay, is this one of those post-modern commentary things, or a sign of your undying snarky love for me? 

DONNA   
Oh, we're assuming I'm over that until further notice. 

JOSH   
Why? 

DONNA   
'Cuz you've lost all trace of the sweetness you once had I'm showing signs of developing a backbone. 

JOSH   
Well, who will you love if you don't love me? 

DONNA   
People have been observing that I would go very well with Sam, as it happens. 

JOSH   
Sam? And you? They have like, no subtextual support for that whatsoever. 

DONNA   
Yeah, but they've observed that we're the only two left that anybody can still stand at the moment. Plus, can you imagine what our kids would look like? 

JOSH   
You ought to worry about that. You know, on Buffy, being likeable adds up to you either leaving for ill-explained reasons and never being mentioned again, or getting shot and killed as part of an unimaginative plot device to add drama to the season finale. 

DONNA   
Boy, we're lucky stuff like that never happens around here. 

* * *

OVAL OFFICE, DAY 

POTUS is at his desk. CHARLIE appears in the doorway. 

CHARLIE   
Mr. President? 

POTUS   
Charlie? 

CHARLIE   
You're needed in the Situation Room. 

POTUS [getting up]   
Okay. By the way, I meant to ask you, are you still dating Zoey? And hey, what about those college courses you're taking? How are you doing with those? Also, what subjects are they again? And your sister, how come we never see her? By the way, did she change her name from Deanna to Deena or did we just imagine that? 

CHARLIE is silent. 

POTUS   
Charlie? Charlie? [sighs] Did you exceed your lines quotient for this week again? 

CHARLIE nods mutely and shrugs apologetically. 

* * *

SITUATION ROOM, DAY 

POTUS walks in on FITZ and a table of official looking uniformed extras who won't say anything but add gravitas to the proceedings. 

POTUS   
Ah, Fitz! Can we get Nancy in here? 

FITZ   
Hold on a second, sir. 

FITZ runs out of the room. 

There is a brief pause, and then NANCY runs in. 

NANCY   
Mr. President? 

POTUS [frowning]   
Where did Fitz go? 

NANCY   
That's not important. Mr. President, people in the Middle East are blowing things up. 

POTUS   
Is that the full extent of the intelligence briefing? 

NANCY   
Sir, it's really all you need to know to follow the plot, and it seems silly to tie up the narrative with a load of bulky exposition that's bound to be riddled with factual inaccuracies anyway. 

POTUS   
That's never stopped us before. Get me Fitz in here. 

NANCY runs out of the room. 

Long pause. 

FITZ runs back in, out of breath. 

POTUS   
Fitz? 

FITZ   
Hold on a second, Mr. President, I just need to find somewhere to put my 'Nancy' wig. 

POTUS   
Give it to Charlie to hold, I can guarantee it'll never be seen again. Did you have something to brief me on? 

FITZ   
Oh, you can go now. We've had the punchline. 

POTUS   
Okay. Call me back in if you need me to mull over any angsty dilemmas. 

FITZ   
Will do. 

Camera follows POTUS out of the room, where he encounters RON BUTTERFIELD. 

POTUS   
Ron! What are you doing here? 

RON   
No particular reason. It's just been observed that I add a certain amount of coolness to a scene just by being in it. 

POTUS   
Oh. Kind of like the Amy effect, only in reverse. 

RON   
Yes, sir. 

POTUS   
So if we got the two of you in a room together, would there be some kind of huge explosion or something? 

RON   
No, sir. 

POTUS   
Why not? 

RON   
We really don't have that kind of special effects budget. 

POTUS   
Okay. 

He wanders off. Where to? Who knows, and who cares? The important thing is everybody moves around a lot so they look really busy. 

* * *

COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN, DAY 

JOSH walks up. 

GINGER [calling out]   
Sam! The plot's arrived! 

JOSH   
Hey, Ginger. I've been meaning to ask you - what happened to Cathy? 

GINGER   
Oh, you know. I killed her. 

JOSH   
Yeah? 

GINGER   
Yeah. It's this thing I've got. Working for Toby for so long... I suddenly snapped, and started bumping off anybody whose name ended in a Y. First I took out Mandy and Cathy when you were all distracted by the shooting. Then I went after Zoey, Danny and Mallory... 

JOSH   
Wow. Hey, though, didn't some of those people make special guest appearances in the last part of this story? 

GINGER gives him a look. 

GINGER   
Continuity, Josh? 

JOSH   
Fair point. 

GINGER   
You haven't seen Abbey, Ainsley, Andy or Joey for a while, either, have you? 

SAM emerges from his office. 

JOSH   
What kept you? 

SAM   
Oh, there's this whole thing going on where I get left out of the loop on all sorts of things and nobody can work out if it's intentional or not. 

JOSH   
Oh, right. What's this thing going on about you and Donna, then? 

SAM   
Well, you know. People have been figuring out that you don't deserve her. 

JOSH   
I figured that out ages ago. 

SAM   
Was that one of those self-depreciating guilt complex moments that you used to be so touching with? 

JOSH   
Yeah. 

SAM   
I thought you'd stopped doing those? 

JOSH   
I figured I'd better keep in practise, just in case they give me my personality back once I break up with Amy. 

SAM   
What makes you think you will? 

JOSH   
Well, none of the relationships people _liked_ have stuck around, so this one should be doomed too. 

SAM   
Well, you'd think. 

JOSH   
Yeah. So... Donna? 

SAM [shrugs]   
I don't know. I think we'd make a sweet, affectionate, non-dramatic couple who don't fight much. 

JOSH   
Oh man, that sucks. 

SAM   
Yeah. We don't stand a chance, do we? 

* * *

OVAL OFFICE, DAY 

POTUS is at his desk. TOBY appears in the doorway. 

TOBY   
Hey. Charlie wasn't here to introduce me. 

POTUS [nodding]   
He's run out of lines again. What can I do for you? 

TOBY   
Oh, you know. I'm just here on a pretext so I can make inappropriate comments and you can shout at me. 

POTUS   
Okay. Shall we start with my parents? 

TOBY   
Well, this week I thought I'd go into my theory that you were probably a mixed-up, bullied, drug smoking cross-dresser when you were a kid. 

POTUS   
Well, that's an unsupported, pointless, completely irrelevent thing to confront me with. Sounds perfect. 

TOBY   
Okay. I'll talk, you interrupt, I'll talk over you, and then you can shout, okay? 

POTUS   
It's a game plan. 

* * *

OUTSIDE THE OVAL, DAY 

LEO approaches as JOSH is emerging. 

LEO   
What's going on? 

JOSH   
Oh, the usual. 

LEO   
The president's in a bad mood over something dark in his personal life, and randomly taking it out on the staff? 

JOSH   
Yeah. 

LEO   
You gonna go have a panic attack or something? 

JOSH   
Nah. I think we've pretty much forgotten I have those. 

LEO   
Okay. 

The camera follows him in as he goes to join POTUS. 

POTUS   
Ah, Leo. Toby's inappropriate but penetrating psycho-analysis has encouraged me to take a stand against my inner demons. After I've finished being cranky, of course. I need to tell the world - I was thinking of writing a TV series. 

LEO   
You know, if you dramatise real-life events to put your point across in a TV show, people are gonna accuse you of being insufferably arrogant. 

POTUS   
Well, what if I make similar examples up, then? 

LEO   
Then you're rewriting history to suit your own world-view, and that's insufferably arrogant. 

POTUS   
What if I do my best to just tell a good story without attempting to educate anybody? 

LEO   
Then you're insidiously putting your world-view across without taking responsibility for doing so, and you're... 

POTUS   
Insufferably arrogant?" 

LEO   
You're catching on. 

POTUS   
So I should try to educate people about the issues? 

LEO   
No. Because that's preaching your own point of view, and it's insufferably arrogant. 

POTUS   
Well, should I at least try to address people's concerns? 

LEO   
Then you're using your own, much bigger pulpit to shout down the littler people. 

POTUS   
Which is- 

LEO   
Yeah. 

POTUS   
So I should avoid addressing them?" 

LEO   
Well, you could, but they're gonna assume you think you're above them and you're- 

POTUS   
Insufferably arrogant. 

LEO   
You bet. 

POTUS   
So basically, if I try to educate, don't try to educate, use real-life facts, avoid using real-life facts, address people's concerns or don't address people's concerns, I'm gonna come across as an arrogant bastard? 

LEO   
Pretty much. 

POTUS   
So wouldn't I be better off just giving up and writing my TV series however the hell I want? 

LEO   
You know, it's exactly that kind of "I don't care what you think" attitude that makes people think you're an arrogant bastard. 

* * *

WHITE HOUSE CORRIDORS, DAY 

JOSH is wandering the corridors. What? Why? He just is, okay? Sheesh. 

The ghost of MRS. LANDINGHAM appears, carrying a cookie jar. 

JOSH   
You're a ghost! 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
No dear, just a wandering plot device. 

JOSH   
Oh. Why are you here? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Well, I was sent to give the president a kick up the backside, but apparently he's got a psychotherapist to do that now. 

JOSH   
Yeah, Stanley. 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Didn't you used to see a therapist called Stanley before? 

JOSH   
Yeah. It's one of those quirky coincidences that happen all the time in real life, but everybody thinks are ridiculously contrived if you see them on TV. 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
I guess I should find something else to do with my time here, then. Would you like a chocolate chip cookie, by the way? 

JOSH   
Thanks- 

As he reaches for the cookie jar, a mystical energy bolt zaps him. 

JOSH   
Ow! Did you do that? What the hell was that for? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
We're sending a subliminal message that bad things happen to people who reach for chocolate-related snack foods. 

JOSH   
You can't do stuff like that to me! Don't you remember I have PTSD? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Don't worry, dear, you won't have a relapse until a dramatically appropriate time. 

JOSH   
Really? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Oh yes. The president has the same deal with his MS. He won't be having another attack until after reelection. 

JOSH   
Why are we even bothering with this whole reelection arc? I mean, it's a forgone conclusion, us running against Ritchie and everything. 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Well, it's not as if anybody would seriously believe a man that stupid could get elected President of the United States. 

JOSH   
Well, exactly. Where are we going? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
To find all the others, and tell them how to fix their lives. 

JOSH   
Okay. 

* * *

TOBY'S OFFICE, DAY 

SAM, TOBY, DONNA, JOSH, CJ and the ghost of MRS. LANDINGHAM are there. 

Because I just randomly picked an office to have them all gather in, okay? 

SAM   
Why isn't Leo in on this? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Because Leo's cooler than cool and doesn't need to change anything to be universally adored. 

JOSH   
Hey! I thought I was the one who was universally adored? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Oh, please. Haven't you heard people saying "I hate Josh", or "I can't believe Josh did that, he's such a jerk"? 

JOSH [squirming]   
Well, sometimes. 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Ever hear _anybody_ say "I hate Leo"? 

JOSH   
No. 

CJ   
Although there has been some muttering about the fact that he always wears horrible brown suits. 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
The point being, even when he's messed up, Leo's still cooler than cool and nobody finds him irritating. 

DONNA   
Well, so is CJ. 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Yes, but she needs to get her act together like the rest of you. CJ, Toby, stop messing around. You're made for each other - get on with it. Okay? 

CJ and TOBY look at each other, shrug, and nod vigorously. 

CJ & TOBY   
Okay. 

They proceed to make out. 

SAM   
What do I need to do? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
Stop wimping out and actually take issue with all the people taking you for granted. Also? Get a real girlfriend. It's not difficult. Walk up to a random pretty girl, say "Look how gorgeous I am, date me." It'll work. 

DONNA   
What about me and Josh? 

JOSH [hopefully]   
Do we get to do the making out thing too? 

MRS. LANDINGHAM   
No, you're both on probation for being morons. Josh, get out of your weird, warped unhealthy pseudo-relationship, try to find your old personality, and stop treating Donna like dirt. Donna, keep on with the whole responsibility thing, find yourself some backbone and self-respect, and _start_ treating Josh like dirt, because he totally deserves it. Okay? 

DONNA, JOSH & SAM [nodding]   
Okay. 

CJ and TOBY are too busy making out to reply. 

MRS. LANDINGHAM [shaking her head]   
Honestly, I step out for a year, and everything goes to hell in a handbasket. 

She disappears in a blaze of white light. CJ and TOBY continue to make out. The others look at each other. 

JOSH   
Wow. 

SAM   
Yeah. 

JOSH   
I guess this changes everything. 

DONNA [rolling her eyes]   
Oh, don't be stupid. 

JOSH   
What? 

DONNA   
It's the end of the episode. It's not like there's gonna be any fallout from all these revelations next week. 

SAM   
Oh, yeah. 

JOSH   
Good point. 

SAM   
Is this the end, then? 

DONNA   
Yup. 

SAM   
Shouldn't we have a cliffhanger or something? 

DONNA   
Oh, we don't do those anymore. 

SAM   
Oh, right. 

FADE OUT.   
ROLL END CREDITS. 

* * *

I'd say "The End", but hey, it was supposed to be last time, and look what happened.


End file.
